With the recent success of Gareth Edward’s Godzilla, there was talk that audiences might be treated to a sequel somewhere down the road. The rumor mill has already started churning out fan-proposed storylines and casting choices, and even filmmakers have hinted at a possible follow up.
Don’t get me wrong, I ate it up (no pun intended). It was big. It was fantastic. It legitimately scared the crap out of me. But a sequel? How would they approach this? The legendary beast has already logged a lot of screen time in the past and there are only so many plotlines that can be drawn in terms of a giant, propane-breathing man-dragon.
So what next? Godzilla Goes Away For a Week-Long Business Trip and Returns to Find His Wife With the Mailman? When MUTO’s Attack: A Handy Guide to Recognizing When Your Neighbor is Stealing Your Wi-Fi? Or how about Godzilla: Dawn of the Dinosaurs and Also His Friend Steve?
I suppose the only thing you could do for a Godzilla sequel would be to invent more interesting things for him to smash, because let’s be honest, that’s the best part of any mega-monster movie. Don’t act horrified, I know you were rooting for him the entire time. I saw you cheering up there in the last row with your Sno-Caps and your smuggled English Muffin, Lisa.
A Starbucks. Can you imagine Godzilla barreling into his local ‘Bucks, travel mug in hand? “You sure you want those beans…ground?” We wouldn’t even have to wait for the espresso machine to heat up our latte. “Excuse me sir, would you mind warming this for me before you crush us all into oblivion?”
The Patriarchy. I think we all know that it’s about time feminist-friendly plotlines got equal screen time with all of the testosterone fueled bro-fests. “Oh, I friend-zoned you? Why don’t you tell that to my giant-ass dino friend here. He feeds on radiation from the earth’s core and the fedoras of self-proclaimed ‘nice guys’.” Plus, no need to worry about gratuitous underwear scenes (J.J. ABRAMS). Rather than a bunch of dudes scoping a hottie for comedic effect or making rape jokes, we could finally watch with delight as Godzilla stomped down to Capitol Hill and gave all of those politicians a lesson on the importance of offering affordable birth control.
An Apple store. If I can’t have an iPad, NONE OF YOU CAN.
The lawn-mower of every annoying neighbor who thinks it’s okay to cut their grass at 7 a.m. on a Sunday. Why are you even awake at this ungodly hour? Was it The Lord that prompted you? Because I’m pretty sure He was telling you, “Hey man, when I said it was a ‘day of rest’ I MEANT IT, DAMN IT.” Let this be a warning to you. If you still can’t figure out how to mow responsibly, Godzilla will make sure your weed-whacker never sees the light of day again. And by that I mean he’ll probably eat it.
Every Snickers factory ever built. He’s not himself when he’s hangry.
DC Entertainment Headquarters. Did you know? Godzilla was originally up for the role of Bruce Wayne until Christian Bale beat him to it. And he never forgave. And he never forgot. Also, like every other sentient being on the planet, he’s still wondering what the hell happened with that ridiculous Green Lantern movie.
My heart. Like most villains, he’s seriously misunderstood. I mean, he accidentally killed like 47,000 people, but he it’s not like he meant it. Yeah, he destroyed dozens of major cities and left billions of dollars’ worth of damage in his wake. Does that make us love him any less? No! We totally forgot about the crumpled and bloodied bodies lying in the streets of a major metropolis by the end of the first movie because he’s just so damn cute. And as he victoriously made his way back into the ocean, we smiled as he crushed the remaining survivors under his feet. Now who’s the monster?
5,000 folding chairs. Just, you know, because.
Sea World. He’s about to free Willy. That’s not a euphemism, it’s his distant cousin. Also, he just watched Black Fish on Netflix and he’s pissed.
A Taco Bell. Time for 44th Meal.
There are so many incredible things Godzilla could smash. Think of the possibilities. Just dreaming about it gets me kind of excited for a possible sequel.
At this point, I’m all for it. There’s not much else going on outside the Marvel Cinematic Universe that isn’t another Tom Cruise flop, and there’s so much material to work with! I even have an idea for a working title: we could call it 700 Things That Godzilla Could Smash Before DC Comics Comes Out With a Wonder Woman Movie.