Prepping for the Zombie Apocalypse: Coffee

 

Coffee addictions are commonplace as many individuals require a morning jolt of caffeine to face the horrors of the day. Coffee supplies will deplete quickly during the zombie uprising as individuals who require coffee to face the horrors of the regular working day will consume coffee in mass quantities to face the truly horrific consequences of living in a post-apocalyptic world. As a coffee addict (or a coffee lover), developing a few guerrilla barista skills will allow you to survive the uprising in a caffeinated frenzy as well as maintaining a coffee habit well into post-zombie redevelopment.

Begin by stocking your safe-house with green coffee. The flavour of unroasted, green coffee is fairly stable when stored in a cool, dry place and will last for six months to one year. Green coffee should be kept at room temperature and away from direct sunlight.

Next, you need to figure out how to roast these little green bad boys, in order to make them into coffee.To develop your coffee-roasting skills, practice roasting ya’selves some beans before the zombie uprising.

Roast ya’selves some beans:

  • a popcorn machine
  • open window/fan
  • bowl
  • 1/2 cup of raw green beans
  • stopwatch
  • tea towel
  • strainer

Situate the popcorn machine by an open window or fan as fire alarms have been set off with this method! Place a bowl under the chute of the machine because once the beans start ‘popping’ chaff will fly out of the machine. Sometimes beans are expelled as well. Put the beans in the machine and turn it on. Start the stopwatch.

The following are some visual cues I use…

  • 4 minutes – beige/brown
  • 13 minutes – caramel brown
  • 25 minutes – chocolate brown
  • 35 minutes – dark chocolate brown

Turn off the machine and place the beans in the strainer. The top of the popcorn machine is hot, so use the tea towel! Shake the beans until they are cool and you can touch them. Let rest 6 to 48 hours before brewing.

*Disclaimer: I have not managed a really dark roast (which is the roast I usually like) but I have managed to make a decent espresso with this method.

Now, unless you live in an environment conducive to coffee growing, you will eventually experience a shortage of beans. When this occurs, check out this Mother News article that includes recipes for Parsnip Postum, Wheat Java, and Chickpea Surp. For the North American climate, using the ubiquitous dandelion root as a coffee substitute seems the most fortuitous.

Now that you know how to deal with coffee, you’re one step closer to becoming invincible when the zombies finally come.

Sarah E. Hoffman is a pamphleteer, blogger, academic and gastronomist. She enjoys picnics, the smell of freshly baked bread and bobo tea. When stressed she bakes until the flour runs out. Sarah is married to a very understanding non-foodie, whom she is in the process of converting. Find her @Sarah999 on twitter or www.wingedsnail99.blogspot.com.

  • nikitonium

    Coffee is to the apocalypse as cigarettes are to prison.

    • arielletje

      Unless you drink tea, and that’s a whole other post idea right there.