Why Men Suck at Gaming

Right on the heels of the incident with Felicia Day on Twitter over the weekend (apparently when it rains misogyny, it pours), comes a delightful little piece over at AirbourneGamer called “This is why girls suck at gaming.” I’ll post a link to Kotaku that posts the gist of the piece, rather than a link to the article itself, because for obvious reasons I don’t want to be feeding the troll. The good news is that the people posting on the “this is why girls suck at gaming” hashtag on twitter were actually making fun of (mine involved this video) or denigrating the piece, but the fact that it’s 2012 and we even have to talk about it is INCREDIBLY DEPRESSING. I won’t even go into how depressing it is that there have been two major incidents in three days.

But anyway, in response, here are my reasons why men suck at gaming.*

1. Their balls get in the way. The time taken to make adjustments is precious time wasted in a fast paced combat scenario/orc attack!
2. Their inferior brains can’t memorize combo sequences, much less execute them at the same time. What’s next, we let them try to read? Not on my watch.
3. Whoopsie! Men are so clumsy! I can’t trust them with an expensive machine. I can’t even trust them not to smash my controllers all over the ground!
4. Men just don’t have the right centre of gravity to effectively use a controller. And a wiimote? Fuggedaboutit.
5. You can’t let men experience simulated fighting! Or shooting! Their delicate sensibilities!
6. Men’s place is in the kitchen, making me a sandwich, not in front of a computer. The only other acceptable place is naked in my bed.
7. Men don’t have the mental capacity to aim! Give me the controller honey, it’ll be alright.
8. You can’t let a man operate delicate technology! No! Stay away from that button! Bad boy!
9. They’re way too emotional to have on a mission or to complete a complex quest. They’ll either a) cry or b) mess it up, or BOTH.
10. Men don’t have hand-eye coordination. That is a scientific fact.
11. Everyone knows a man will turn on you in a second. They’re devious, devious creatures. I don’t want someone like that on MY team.
12. Have you ever asked a man to do anything? So flaky! Just sit there and be pretty sugar buns.
13. Two words: paternal instinct.

I’m sure we can come up with some more! Share your reasons why men are terrible gamers in the comments!

*This piece is meant to be satire, I do not believe any of these things. Except #6. I mean every word of #6